I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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