I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize