i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
