wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
