I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
