i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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