Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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