fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
