I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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