my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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