Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
