Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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