good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
