My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
