Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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