I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
