My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
