my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
