Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
