worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
