you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
