So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
