...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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