you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
