I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
