I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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