well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize