I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
