Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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