oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
