u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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