Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
