Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
