My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
