How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
