One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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