I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize