Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
