So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
