I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
