I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
