I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
