I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
