Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Cover your peen. We're going out.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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