Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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