Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
