so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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