I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
