can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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