I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
