Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
