Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
