So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
