Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
