I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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