The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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