I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
