i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
