its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Someone came in the potted fern
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
