oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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