I want to make a zoo with you.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
