trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
it's great music for shaving your balls
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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