Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
