I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
