1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
