I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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