My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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