i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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